So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Randomize
