No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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