New low: just hacked my moms facebook
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
