She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
