Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
