i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
