I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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