Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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