I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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