i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
