i would punch a child for taco bell
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize