Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize