a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
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He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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