I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
