I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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