I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
