I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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