Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
