so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
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