so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
