She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
