I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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