I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Randomize
