Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Randomize
