my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Randomize
