i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Randomize
