but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
