my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
