I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
