I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
