anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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