drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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