You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
