just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
