Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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