Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
