my room smells like sperm. sweet.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
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