Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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