You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
