So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Randomize
