Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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