I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
