Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
