and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
