I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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