Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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