shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
