Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
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I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
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my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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