in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
