I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
