The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize