you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Randomize
