i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
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Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
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I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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