I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
