Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
