I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
