grandma shit on top of the toilet
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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