I'm so fucking centered right now
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
