Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
