This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
